Dirty Hymns

[Image description: Photo is of the cover of the 1862 sheet music for “Battle Hymn of the Republic.”]

I’ve been traveling and visiting relatives, so this’ll be a super-mini-epistle. 🙂 

Few people have more reverence for Christian hymns than I do. I grew up singing from the old brown hymnbook in a little church where anything written after 1970 was considered “new.” Even the ones whose theology I don’t agree with (Ex: heavy atonement theology) are like old friends. 

But also? I like to have silly fun. And these hymns are such fun to pervert. My mischievous aunt taught me a trick a few years ago, to tack the phrase “in the bed between the sheets” onto the end of each hymn line or stanza. 

If you get bored during church, you just open your hymnal to a random page and let your imagination run wild. You might find some funny (or even poignant!) entertainment.  Be warned, fellow Christians; you may never see those oldie goldies the same way again. 😉 

One of my personal favorites is “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” as illustrated below:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord…in the bed between the sheets!

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored…in the bed between the sheets!

He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword…in the bed between the sheets!

His truth is marching on…in the bed between the sheets!

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

His truth is marching on.

Continued “Battle Hymn” lyrics (an experiential activity):

I have seen Him in the watch-fires of a hundred circling camps;

They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps;

I can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps,

His day is marching on.

I have read His fiery gospel writ in rows of burnished steel!

“As ye deal with my condemners, so with you My grace shall deal!

Let the Hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with his heel, “

Since God is marching on.

He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;

He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment seat;

Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him; be jubilant, my feet!

Our God is marching on.

In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,

With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me;

As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free!

While God is marching on.

There is Such a Thing as Too Much Lube

[Image description: Photo is of LubeTube lube launchers in packaging. Captions say “Easy to use!” and “Put your favorite lube exactly where you want it!”]

Friends, the Holy Spirit has placed a testimony on my heart. I share it here that it may be edifying to those who are curious about anal play. Have you ever read that there’s no such thing as too much lube for anal sex? That’s generally true; the anus is not self-lubricating, so lube helps make anal play safer and more comfortable. (Note: It’s gonna get a little graphic from here on out). 

My sub and I enjoy pegging, a kind of sex where a woman penetrates a man anally with a strapon dildo (I’m not sure whether non-op trans women who use their own penises to penetrate use that term). It’s great for prostate stimulation. 

We purchased a lube shooter (also known as a lube launcher or injector) to make the process of anal sex smoother and more pleasant. After an incident where our play was cut short by unexpected anal bleeding, we thought a launcher would help us to cover our bases. 

I would’ve thought it was intuitive enough. Just put the lube in the tube, stick the tube in the hole, and squirt, right? Not exactly. 

Pegging went smoothly, but my sub’s belly started gurgling part of the way through. After we finished, he dashed to the bathroom and essentially pooped out excess lube. Apparently, the next morning, more lube came out. 

Here’s what we think happened: I put too much lube in the shooter, for one thing. For our purposes, it needed to be less than half full. Then, wanting to be thorough, I stuck the tube a little farther up his butt than necessary and didn’t pull out/inject at the right pace to distribute the lube evenly. When I started pegging him, my cock probably pushed it even deeper. 

Essentially, I gave him an accidental lube enema. It was kind of embarrassing, but we can laugh about it now (especially since I will sometimes say to him “I shot lube up your butt” to remind us both that these things happen). And thus I say unto you, friends, it turns out there is such a thing as too much lube. Lube launchers are useful, but they don’t cover inexperience!

Endnotes: A guide to lube shooter application is here. A beginner’s guide to anal sex is here. A lube guide is here.