A Note on CBT and Penises as “Weapons”

[Image description: Photo is of a butter knife and a small metal candle holder lying on top of a red cloth napkin.]

Note: This epistle is explicit, with description of some of my sexual interests and activities (also, mention of outdated beliefs about virginity and biology/yucky societal attitudes about sexual violence and what people with vulvas can expect during sex). Get educated by a reputable source like Kink Academy before you participate in the kind of play that I describe in order to avoid injury and other undesired suffering. 

When people compare penises to weapons, it makes me want to do CBT. There are two major kinds of CBT, of course. One is cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is pretty great in general. The other is cock and ball torture, which can be a lovely form of consensual kinky play. During cock and ball torture, the penis and testicles (the cock and balls) are squeezed, bound, hit, kicked, pinched, tickled, shocked, or otherwise treated to painful or intense sensations. The experience of CBT, which should always be consensual, might range from a pleasant low-grade hum of sensation to something acutely painful. My sub finds it intense but rarely painful. I enjoy messing with his junk.  

What does that have to do with penises as weapons? Well, weapons are inert, unfeeling, and potentially dangerous tools (I imagine the cold metal of a blade). But the penis and testicles are living, fleshy, and sensitive (as even the thought of a kick to the balls demonstrates). While I understand the easy comparison between a penis and a weapon–both can, in a way, “penetrate” or “shoot”–I don’t like the way that description fits into a broader societal narrative that casts the penis-owner (usually a cisgender man) as a weapon-carrier. 

Vulva-owners, well…many people assume we’re supposed to hurt and bleed when we “lose our virginity,” as if the act of intercourse punctures us (or “pops our cherries”). That notion, while it would conveniently fit in with the penis-weapon analogy, is not based on what we actually know about the biology of the vulva (Heather Corinna of Scarleteen explains it well in “Seriously, Enough With the Fruit Already”). Treating the penis like a dangerous weapon teaches vulva-owners that intercourse inevitably hurts, and it teaches penis-owners that they should expect to hurt or wound partners during vaginal intercourse (and I don’t mean in a consensual, erotic way). The language of weaponry matters. 

Now, I won’t resolve that broad societal issue through kinky play, but I believe that such play can help willing folks with penises to lay down the weapon idea and see themselves as regular human beings. When I dominate cis guys in play, even if I’m not doing CBT specifically, I want to remind them that they are not weapon-carriers. I want them to know that the penis, like the vulva, is a fleshy organ, capable of feeling great vulnerability and pleasure. Intense touch that focuses on the genitals, like CBT, is one way to bring awareness. 

Mostly, I spank and lightly tug my sub’s balls, listening out for the delightful little whimpers and groans he makes. I like to slap his cock like a bobo doll and watch it spring back into place. Sometimes, I grab his whole package in one hand and just squeeze, letting him know both that I’m in charge of his balls and that he can trust me with them. 

If I received vaginal penetration, maybe I’d squeeze him that way too. I once played sexually with a vulva-owner who had an extraordinarily strong pelvic floor. I double-fisted her–both of my hands were inside her vagina at once, balled up together). I, the penetrator, thought, “Wow, it’s like she could snap my wrists like twigs.” She was powerful. 

With kinky play like CBT, we can gain perspective, and people with penises can remember their vulnerability and capacity for pleasure. Instead of thinking of penises as weapons and vulvas as…things to be wounded…let’s let our junk be our junk, part of our feeling bodies. Let’s study our bodies and try new things. Let’s learn not to weaponize or victimize body parts. And let’s have some fun along the way.

Masturbation Monday – On Chronic Pain and Periods

[Image description: Photo is of a colorful silicone dilator set from Pure Romance arranged on top of its packaging box.]

I’ve decided to participate in the Masturbation Monday weekly blogging meme run by prolific sex blogger and freelance writer Kayla Lords! Please note, gentle readers, that while this post is not an erotica, it is sexually explicit and contains details about my own sex life, including masturbation, periods, and chronic pain. You can opt out of explicit posts by selecting “Non-Explicit Epistles” under Categories. 🙂 

So. My period started this morning. Huzzah! (Not really. I felt like my uterus was about to fall out.) Fortunately, I didn’t have to go anywhere. I had a silly thought while microwaving a heat pack: “I should’ve gotten off last night while I had the chance.” And then I realized “I still can.” 

Period masturbation takes a little extra work; I’ve turned it into a ritual. I started with a period-focused yoga practice to soothe my cramps and help me settle into my body. After spreading a towel out on my bed, turning on some ambient music, and assembling the implements (a handy little bullet vibe, an aloe-based lube, toilet paper, and a colorful silicone dilator set), I was ready to practice vaginal penetration. 

I have a chronic pelvic pain condition called vulvodynia that makes vaginal penetration difficult-to-impossible, so I don’t receive penetration with partners at this time (except for one time when I was riding my sub’s face; his tongue slipped right in without incident and felt good). Dilation is one way to retrain tight pelvic floor muscles to unclench, and it’s easiest for me when I’m relaxed and *drumroll* on my period. So I lay back, lubed the second-smallest dilator, and teased myself with it before starting to ease it in (technically, you can just lube, insert, and leave it be, but dilators work best for me when I treat them like sex toys). 

I didn’t get very far at first; I could tell that my left-side pelvic muscles were especially tense today. Rather than push harder, I turned on my vibrator and let it pulse lightly against the dilator. I let myself fantasize about being fingered by a mysterious dominant lady (I’m a switch). I don’t like getting fingered at this point in life, but I hope that I will someday. I love the idea of being physically open to a partner in that way. 

As my orgasm began to build, the dilator gradually slid further in. It’s always interesting to me, how the dilator reminds me that my orgasm is an internal and external process. When I finally came, I felt myself spasm around it, not in a painful, clenching way, but a wet, luxurious, full-bodied way.

After I built back up and came again, I turned off the vibe and rested for a moment. I removed the dilator very slowly–it had gone in about halfway. Then, I stretched like a cat, rose, cleaned up, and went downstairs for a bowl of macaroni-and-cheese. Not so bad for a period day. 

End-note: If you have pelvic pain (a very common and, sadly, under-treated issue), I highly recommend that you look into getting treatment with a pelvic pain specialist. You shouldn’t have to just live with it. Your pain matters. 

For anyone curious about vaginal dilation in consultation with a specialist, here’s a link to the dilator set I use. I used the red one this time (oddly enough, it has been easier to use than the smaller yellow one. I think my vulva likes its shape better). 

Masturbation Monday